I just started reading The Funnies by J. Robert Lennon. It's a satire of Family Circus creator Bil Keane. I'm enjoying it so far, and it has made me curious about Keane's life (was he really as bad as he's being portrayed?)

I couldn't dig up any real dirt on him, but i remembered the Dysfunctional Family Circus game, where you take one of his comics and add your own -- usually naughty -- caption. It's quite hilarious.

Here are some of the more choice ones i found online:

There used to be a sort of official website that showcased these parodies, but the creator received a call from Keane himself one day. The Dysfunctional Family Circus dude was all set to battle the cease and desist order in court...but Keane was such a nice guy and they chatted for an hour, and Keane explained how much the jokes hurt his feelings. His plea worked, and the website no longer exists.

Of course the comics are still out there and are still being created...

Mema's .... i mean MADAM MINERVA'S latest horrorscopes!

Flashes of Brillance
by Madam Minerva 
 
Aries – March 21 – April 19 –  You have been on a constant diet your entire life, you have lost so much weight that by all accounts you should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Taurus – April 20 – May 20 – So that you can let go of your negative thoughts, today you should began to voice them out loud no matter where you are or who you are with.
 
Gemini – May 21 – June 20 – There is a way for you to kill two birds with one stone.  Spend all this week’s food allowance money on a extremely expensive wrinkle cream,
 
Cancer – June 21 – July 22 – Start to think positive.  Today pretend that the swoosh of your corduroy-clad thighs chafing together is actually the stirring soundtrack to a movie of which you are the star!

Leo – July 23 – August 22 – Today is a good day to pull out those three white hairs on your chin…either that or braid them.
 
Virgo – August 23 – September 22- you know those splatters of food spots that you have all over your clothes….well, you’re starting to have wet spots too.
 
Libra – September 23 – October 22 – rethink that cute little doggie tattoo you want to get because most likely by next year it will look like Godzilla as your body expands

Scorpio – October 23 – November 21 – you have a right to deny your ever-expanding girth by purchasing only clothes with elastic waistbands…and, you better stay away from “one size fits all”
 
Sagittarius – November 22 – December 21 – Physical fitness is in!  You recently had a physical fit yourself.

Capricorn – December 22 – January 19 – You are a direct descendent of trolls and troglodytes
 
Aquarius – January 20 –February 18 – Your constant habit of furrowing your brows serves the dual purpose of making you look both intelligent and concerned, good thing you shaved the middle or else you would have just looked dorky.

Pisces – February 19 – March 20 – Most marriages are a success if they outlive milk.

I'm glad that i decided to hang with Jintie and Mena for their final Pride Party.

Normally, i like to be out amongst the riffraff in the streets, catching rainbow-colored schwag as it's tossed from the floats. But really, nowadays all of streets are barricaded, and if you dare to venture into the street to run up to a float as we used to (one legendary Pride, Hugo and Pentcho actually climbed onto a float and rode it for half a block before jumping off and rejoining us), there are Mounties that will literally run you down as they force you back onto the sidewalk.

So i didn't feel i was missing much, hanging out of the windows at the corner of Halsted and Belmont. Plus it was a perfect vantage point for taking pics. The only bummer was that we didn't catch any beads -- not for lack of trying, though. People threw them to us. It's just that they all threw like girls.

The Dykes on Bikes section is always a crowd-pleaser. Vroooom! Vrooooom!

I'm not sure why there was a turkey in a pilgrim hat, but it was one of the more strange things in a strange parade.

The Smelts are the gay swim league, and their theme was same-sex marriage.

 

I have a special place in my heart for the Puerto Rican people ever since i experienced the Puerto Rican Pride Parade last year. I was pleased to see that plenty of gays were representin' and were cheered on.

Okay, okay, so Holiday and i had split a bottle of Moet i was saving for my birthday but  never got around to drinking til Pride. I also think there was something that had turned my tongue blue.

Cowpokes! Say, when's the Gay Rodeo, anyway? Did i miss it?

Cinderella flees the ball.

Aw, come on, Google. Let him on the bus. He had an adorable bum.

These kids put on a great show -- it was one of my favorite parts of the parade.

I like Miss Foozie now that Mintola has shared her touching tale with me.

I know. Scary, right?

Any chubby chasers in the crowd? 

For some reason these Lotto ball gals cracked me up.

Cleopatra, where's your asp?

And i'll save this for the grand finale of Part I of my Pride pix. Three cheers for Sugartits Mary!

I'm glad that i decided to hang with Jintie and Mena for final Pride Party.Normally, i like to be out amongst the riffraff in the streets, catching rainbow-colored schwag as it's tossed from the floats. But really, nowadays all of streets are barricaded, and if you dare to venture into the street to run up to a float as we used to (one Pride Hugo and Pentcho actually climbed onto a float and rode it for half a block before jumping off and rejoining us), there are Mounties that will literally run you down as they force you back onto the sidewalk. So i didn't feel i was missing much, hanging out of the windows at the corner of Halsted and Belmont. Plus it was a perfect vantage point for taking pics. The only bummer was that we didn't catch any beads -- not for lack of trying, though. People threw them to us. It's just that they all threw like girls. The Dykes on Bikes section is always a crowd-pleaser. Vroooom! Vrooooom! I'm not sure why there was a turkey in a pilgrim hat, but it was one of the more strange things in a strange parade. The Smelts are the gay swim league, and their theme was same-sex marriage. I have a special place in my heart for the Puerto Rican people ever since i experienced the Puerto Rican Pride Parade last year. I was pleased to see that plenty of gays were representin' and were cheered on. Okay, okay, so Holiday and i had split a bottle of Moet i was saving for my birthday but just never got around to drinking til this day. I also think there was something that had turned my tongue blue. Cowpokes! Say, when's the Gay Rodeo, anyway? Did i miss it? Cinderella flees the ball. Aw, come on, Google. Let him on the bus. He had an adorable bum. These kids put on a great show -- it was one of my favorite parts of the parade. I like Miss Foozie now that Mintola has shared her touching tale with me. I know. Scary, right? Any chubby chasers in the crowd?     For some reason these Lotto ball gals cracked me up. Cleopatra, where's your asp? And i'll save this for the grand finale of Part I of my Pride pix. Three cheers for Sugartits Mary!

I have always suspected it, but i think this makes it official: I'm a bad influence.

As many of you know, one of our silly reindeer games is playing dead. Apparently, not everyone thinks it's cute to wrap your head (LOOSELY!) in plastic and play Laura Palmer. But Duke and i do.

And, now, apparently, so do his parents and their friends. His darling quirky mother, Mema, sent us a bunch of shots of her and her old coworkers playing dead. Mwa ha ha! Spreading mischief and merriment makes me mirthful.

Here are a couple of the choice shots. In the first, Mema has choked upon a hairball. And i love how in the second, the whole gang got together for a massacre. Honestly, Duke's parents slay me.

Would somebody please tell Marcus that someone shit on his front doorstep? Judging by the substantial size, it looks as if it was a very big dog, or, more likely, a human.

I'd hate for any Fag Fratboys to step in it!

I noticed it on my way from from the Andersonville Farmer's Market (bought some yummy Rainier cherries and watched this adorable trio, a dad playing banjo and his two kids on fiddles) and the Middle Eastern Bakery & Grocery (lots of delicious eats, as usual, served up with a smile from the beautiful woman who calls everyone, "my friend").

I dropped off the food and ran back to take a picture -- cuz that's what i do when i see a runny pile of poop on a doorstoop.
 
"Don't show it to me," David says. "I don't like to look at my own shit."

Of course, though, when i get back and ask, "Wanna see?" he says, "No...and by no, i mean, of course."

Brett and Duke, though, being proper ladies, closed their eyes and wouldn't look.

What will YOU do?

Greg posted a bunch of photos from a recent camping trip in the Adirondacks. There were some beautiful shots of scenery and his buddies, including Geh Jim.

But really, it's all about Pugsley. Apparently, he fell in love with this rock. He played with it for about three hours, then collapsed from exhaustion.

The rest of my photos from Mymamain's birthday bash at the Windy City Rollers Championship.

 

Jeff Town goin' to town.

The poor dude was legally blind. We could have helped him out of some of his moola.

I love the woman in the center.

Duke and i followed this dude around for quite awhile trying to surrepticiously snap a shot of him. He was quite a dream.

The Manic Attackers! Woo hoo!

This was what we were all seeing after all those strawberry daquiris.

Hi Brian!

By halftime, the Maniacs were down by quite a bit. We was worried!

See how worried they look?

And by "worried," i do mean "wasted." Mike's bandana just kept getting more umbrellas stuck into it. Look at how Mike's love sends Ginorelli into an ecstacy. All you see are the whites of his eyes.

Duke was  OBsessed with this girl. Sometimes he imagines he's a scout for "America's Next Top Model."

Yummy!

Some of the colorful fan base.

Though this fellow, undeniably, was their biggest fan.

The Mexican wrestling mask made the rounds.

You think that was ME in the last shot?

Carmine chowing on ribs.

And they're off! Slowly, the Manics crept up on the Hell's Belles' lead...

...until they whizzed by them for the win!

We love it when the underdog wins the day!

It's never too young to start 'em roller derbying.

The creepy-sexy cleanup crew.

Another snap of our 70s star. Love the t-shirt.

I think Mike told this chick he wanted to have her babies.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MIKEY! GOOD TIMES!

First off, let me say that i feel as if we've grown apart from Hazel. Sure, she's probably legally insane and homeless, but for awhile there, i really felt we had a connection. And it doesn't bother me that she's a witch, leaving statues of angels at the bus stop as part of her rituals. What bothers me is that now she thinks i'm a witch, and she'll ask me what kind of curse i've put on her.

So i'm a bit wary of Hazel lately. Plus, she was MIA for awhile. Now she's back, sporting a black t-shirt with an angry snowman on the front and TRAP OR DIE! on the back. We're out in front of Pause, petting one of our favorite doggies, Zoe, a toy shit-zoo (not sure that's the correct spelling). Zoe is the type of doggie who cheers you up on even the worst of mornings. When she sees you coming, she starts trotting in place and her tail-wagging takes over her whole body in an ecstatic tremor.

As we pet Zoe, Hazel shambles over. Holiday's favorite family is on the patio as well, a Turkish couple who have a young son. The boy is scared of Zoe and hides between his father's legs. The dad, whose name is Oz, isn't helping matters by calling Zoe "a monster."

"Can i ask you a question?" Hazel grumbles.

"Of course," i say.

"If that dog was bigger -- i mean your size -- would you love her?"

"I love Zoe already," i tell her. "I'd love her no matter what size she was."

"I don't mean love -- you know what i mean -- i mean love her, you know, have sex with her."

Duke and i were afraid that's what she was getting at. "No, i can safely say that i would not," i tell her. I look over at the kid and hope he's not listening to all of this.

"I know how you are," Hazel mutters. "I know how you all treat minorities."

And that's my and Duke's cue to head to the train, laughing at our latest enounter. Mornings are always some sort of adventure.

I know! Look how thin she looks!

It was MyMaMain's birthday, and he turned 30something. Who really cares about what age the people who are younger than you are? To celebrate, he wanted to see some crazy chicks on rollerskates get bruised. Who wouldn't?

I have to tell you that i'm a huge fan of the roller derby, though i've only gone to one game. That was a couple of years ago, back when they played their bouts down in Cicero. I went with the library school gang to cheer on our very own Vargas Girl, Anita Applebomb. That was the same night that one of the girls, Tequila Mockingbird, ended up paralyzed. And they tell you that things like that can happen in any sport, that they're extremely rare, that that's the only time in the national league that an injury has been that severe. And yet it freaked me out and kept me away for a couple of years.

But Mike's birthday was a good excuse to get back in the game, so to speak. So we all met up at Bottom Lounge (yes, as Gino said, Insert Quip Here), under the el tracks on Lake Street. Then we all piled onto a yellow school bus and headed to the UIC Pavilion.

One of the best parts about roller derby is that all the chicks have fun, clever names -- and they have to register them nationally, so no two can be the same.

Here's Mrs. McMains, Ginorelli. I think this got picked up by Pepsi in their new campaign.

I'd like to buy a vowel, Alex. (Actually, Mr. X was quite popular amongst us tipsy, tittering twats.)

This crew was going around asking for someone to be their S, but they couldn't find any takers, so they cleverly improvised and created an X. The team we were rooting for was the Manic Attackers, the underdogs. They were playing the Hell's Belles, who i was told i had to hate.

Mar and Mr. Goodwine were there. That Mexican wrestler mask made the rounds, as you can imagine. So did Mar's tongue.

Not really. Totes kids.

Warming up for the bout.

There was a pre-game game played by members of the two teams who didn't make it to the championships. The whites were zombie-themed, the blacks were Star Wars.

Crazy masked man scaring me.

Perfecting the X.

Duke and i were kind of obsessed with the beer vendor. We had at least three photos of him, and in every single one, he was staring right at the camera. We weren't being too subtle...especially after our third strawberry daquiri.

Carmelo assured me that the mask wouldn't fit on his abnormally large (but very handsome) head. I didn't believe him. But i should have.

A black team kittycat.

My smile totally looks fake. But it wasn't! I was having a blast!

And so was Duke. That's just how he shows it.