We've only just discovered the SNL video short, "Jizz In My Pants."

So of course that means that we have to have a Jizz-Off, and that we bring Duke's parents in on it.

Here are the contestants. You tell us who's the best Jizzer!

Alcatraz in the fog.

Incidentally, there was a guy at my highschool who had been badly burned all over his body, including his face. For some reason, we called him "the Birdman."

Because of the cold water, strong rip currents and sharks, it was said to be impossible to escape from Alcatraz. Here's a fascinating account of a couple of guys who actually pulled it off.

According to this strange email i just got, maybe from Italy, i'm not Taurus the Bull...but Tauro the Tramp!

TAURUS - The Tramp
Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships.. Likes to give a good fight. Fight for what they want. Can be annoying at times, but for the love of attention. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. They can be self centered and if they want something they will do anything to get it. They love to sleep and can be lazy. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth!

Well....there are some truths in there, i suppose.

If you wanna know what your alterna whore-o-scope is, tell me your sign, baby.

Like a social disease, i'm posting this so it spreads, disseminates, infects... It's actually quite amusing, and promises to be interesting at the very least. And saving About Face Theatre is a noble goal, indeed. Benji's harebrained scheme follows:

Chicago-

Whatever you do, keep reading this email!  I pinkie swear I'm not asking you for anything monetary.

As many of you have probably heard (from me or elsewhere), About Face Theatre is seeking donations to help stay afloat.  A lot of you have already contributed which is awesome (THANK YOU!), and though AFT has reached approximately half of their goal, they're still seeking to raise more funds.  Artistic Director Bonnie Metzgar asked everyone affiliated with the theatre to brainstorm about fundraising, which has thus far resulted in two events: a benefit performance of Schoolhouse Rock at Mary's Attic on 4/22, and a cycling team in this year's Ride for AIDS Chicago (which also benefits TPAN).  Both of those options are great and I'm encouraging everyone to support them.

My initial idea (which is also one of my lifelong dreams) was to do a one-man cabaret performance of Barry Manilow's entire 1977 "Live" album from beginning to end.  I know it sounds super exciting, but we nixed this.  Instead, I'm going to do something far more humiliating.

"More humiliating than Barry Manilow??" you might be wondering.  Yeah.  Read on.

Has Anybody Seen My Dignity? (aka April: The Month I Became a Whore) will see me competing in every Chicago gay bar contest (with a cash prize) there is, with any and all of that money being directly donated to About Face Theatre.  This includes the unknown (an Easter "Basket" Competition), the relatively tame (Windy City Gay Idol) and the downright degradingly ridiculous (Lube Wrestling).  I'd even be willing to do the various drag competitions (Drag Race and Dragzilla), which I'm sure to lose, but would require some MAJOR assistance in those departments.  (Anybody willing to help, please email me).

Most (if not all) of these competitions are decided by the level of noise an audience can create for a contestant.  And here's where you come in.  I'm not asking for any money, just your attendance (and resultant applause, hoots, screams, whistles and airhorns) at one of these events:

THIS Saturday, 4/11 8-11PM Basket Competition at Hydrate
Thursday, 4/16 9PM-?? Windy City Gay Idol at Spin
Saturday, 4/18 ??-?? Underwear Competition at Jackhammer
Friday, 4/24 11PM-?? Hot Jockstrap Competition at Crew
Thursday, 4/30 Midnight-?? Wet Boxers Competition at Roscoe's
And the Grand Utterly Mortifying Finale:
Friday, 5/1 11PM-?? Lube Wrestling at Hydrate

If (IF!) I were to win all of these contests, it would net About Face $1300!  And it would only cost you maybe some drinks and acute laryngitis the next day.  Plus, seeing me in a jockstrap is only going to bring us closer!  It's win-win.

Please (PLEASE!) consider showing up and cheering for my ass while I make an ass of myself showing my ass.  I'll be sending facebook reminders out before every appearance.

And I'm serious about the drag thing if someone wants to help me.  It'll be a total fiasco and disaster (a fiaster? a disasco?), but I'm willing to give it a shot.

ben

PS - If anyone knows of any gay bar cash-prize competitions I might've missed (Shower Power at Spin is defunct sadly), please let me know and I'll add them to my list.

PPS - By hitting "SEND" on this email, I've just locked myself in.  God help me.

PPPS - Should you not be able to attend any of these events, please consider sending a donation to About Face Theatre anyway.  You may do so at www.aboutfacetheatre.com

Last night was an egg-dying party chez nous. To celebrate Jesus being made into a zombie (raised from the dead!) and flowers and bunnies and shit, we dipped chicken abortions into teacups filled with oily dye! Wee! Holidays are fun!

I had gone to the dollar store to stock up on necessary supplies. Such as bunny ears.

Thanks Easter Bunnies!
BAWK! BAWK!

Duke channeling a drag queen.

You might think this adorable thing (the thing on the left) is a sweet lil doggie...but as the picture below shows, it's really AN ALIEN!!!

Hoppy Easter everybunny!

Michael, when it's being clever, calls these "murials."

Duke and i are obsessed with them, snapping pics whenever we come across them.

Maybe one day i'll be involved in public art in some capacity. For now i just document it...

Only in San Fran!

Detail from a mural on the side of a store.

Funny sidewalk graffiti.

The requisite Victorian houses shot. Everyone who goes to San Francisco has to take a photo like this. It's practically the law.

Puppies outside a store in the Haight. The main drag still has character, but it's much more boutiquey, much less hippie.

My text message alert goes off. It's from a number i don't recognize, maybe one of the New York cell phone area codes.

The message reads, "I just saw your twin!! I took a picture."

I write back, "Send it! Tho most of the time my 'twins' are butt ugly. P.S. Who dis?"

The response: "It's Tara! No hes really cute. I almost went up to him and showed him a pict of you."

Now, this still doesn't do me a whole lot of good. I know two gals named Tara, both of whom i've reconnected with lately, both of whom live in the New York area.

I ask the mystery Tara to email me the pic, and she says she just did. Turns out it's the Tara i used to work with.

How rad is it that she took a sneaky stalker shot of my so-called twin? I mean, most people would say, "I totally saw your twin today," but you'd never know what the dude looks like. And seriously, sometimes when people are able to point out a supposed doppelgänger, the dude's would have gotten only mediocre scores on hotornot.com. (Blast from the past, eh?)

Tara sends over the photo, and the dude actually is a cutie-patootie. I'm sure the stylin' jacket is also what made her think of me. Aww.

Herewith:

I bet you all missed my daily San Fran shot, you poor dears. It's sweet of you not to have complained to me about it.

When Duke and i walked into the Haight, this sight greeted us.

Someone once told me that shoes hanging from telephone wires meant that there was a drug dealer nearby.

I always doubted that theory. I figured shoes hanging from telephone wires meant there was some jerkwad nearby, and some poor sucker without shoes.

We met at Rosebud (i know, what a grody name) 'cause they've got quite an impressive buffet of free apps, and you can sit "al fresco" in this buildings atrium and get yer buzz on. Right by us was this giant sculpture that most people thought looked like a giant thumb, but i imagined was a pupa or some sort.

I had compiled a crew to attend the opening night of the undergraduate show at the 'Tute. Once we all headed over to State Street, we saw that the line was literally around the block.

Most of us said, Fuck that, but Duke and Julie decided to wait in line.

While they sped through the art, and pretended to take pictures of each other when they were really taking pictures of freaky witchy women with crutches who totally catch them in the act...

...the rest of us headed to my office. I work in a loft in Printer's Row and it is pretty rad, if i do say so myself. There's a liquor store right below us, so we popped in there for supplies, and i put on a Ting Tings station on Pandora and we hung out in the kitchen.

Of course i had to give a tour of the office, and the strangest part is that the master bathroom is now our storage space. Which is why there's a bathtub in the middle of the room, and why there's a filing cabinet next to a toilet.

I don't usually feel silly doing silly things, but i obviously did this night.

That's Duke doing a fake puke.

Sometimes we sit on these balls to strengthen our stomaches. We almost break even from all the coffeecakes and Krispy Kremes and other fatty goodies people always bring in.

"Delete that photo," Duke insists.

"No way! Are you crazy? That's a classic!" i yell.

"No. Delete it. It's totes a blackmail shot! You know you're gonna post it front and center or something on your blog."

"Well, duh."

Here ya go!

And to cleanse your palates, i leave you with the Julie Bathtub Series: