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  • CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET?

    Her nose is bulbous, like W.C. Fields’ and her face is the exact texture and color of a basketball. She’s sitting on a stool in the front window of the coffeeshop, her legs spread wide apart, which pushes her pants down, revealing the hint of a crack in that generous expanse of ass.

    “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” she shouts, and all four us, me, Duke, Jeff and Penny Farthing, are all airborne for a second, our bodies jolting heavenward in unison.

    My eyes go as wide and round as quarters, and I see that Duke’s have as well.

    “It’s been like that all morning,” Jeff grumbles, shaking his head. He pounds out the used espresso more violently than usual.

    “She’s been cracking me up,” Penny Farthing giggles. “Earlier, she was all, CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET? Like, she shouted it so loud the entire coffeeshop could hear, even the people in the back. Then she said, YOU KNOW HOW I SAID I TOOK MY MOM TO THE HOSPITAL? WELL, I LIED! THE HOUSE BURNED DOWN! BUT I CAN’T TELL MY SISTER CUZ SHE’LL KILL ME!”

    I laugh at the story, and Penny’s giggling too, her giant black plastic-frame artsy geek-chic glasses bobbing up and down.

    “FUCKIN’ A!” the woman shouts.
       

  • i.always.knew.im.really.a.teenage.girl

    We're in bed and Duke is reading his new Chip Kidd book (too depressing for him).

    "This girl is SO YOU!" he exclaims suddenly. "Listen!"

    "A pale girl toting a Howdy Doody knapsack padded up the walk, two blonde pigtails sprouting from her skull at unexpected angles, like stalks of spring wheat in a high wind. Heavy black eyeliner gave her the invasive look of a hungry raccoon. No lipstick, she didn't need it. The tails of a boy's pale blue dress shirt fluttered out beneath her moth-eaten L.L.Bean checked cranberry sweater. She was maybe seventeen, if that. She used a banana yellow-on-black polka-dotted umbrella as a walking stick, though the weather was clear."

    He looks up, smiles, eyes wide, then continues:

    "Petty had on a pair of saddle shoes, but they were entirely -- soles, eyelets, laces and all -- lime green. It was as if they'd been lethally exposed to kryptonite. 'You know, if I do say, those are some great shoes.'

    "She smiled. 'Oh, THANK you. I customized them myself. I love shoes. I have a zillion of 'em.'"

    He skips ahead a bit: --"'Sometimes I think it's a shame I only have two feet!'"

    Duke puts the book down. "Come on -- tell me that's not totally you."

    "You're ridiculous," i say...though i of course take it all as a compliment.

  • the.streets.of.san.francisco.xxi

    Now let's head over to Balmy Alley. This was the original graffiti art project, and it's in a semi-dicey Latino neighborhood. Duke and i were ever so hungry, so we went into a local taqueria...and promptly left. I'm not snobby -- i've even from street vendors in Bangkok, fer Buddha's sake -- but why risk it?


    This is totes one of my faves of the trip! She just makes me so happy.


    I didn't pick the best backdrop for my glamour shot -- i was seduced by the rainbow and flowers. Goddamned hippie!

    Don't you love that there was a tiny yellow chair just waiting for us to sit in?


    Now, Dukes' backdrop is hella radder.


    Strange birthing woodcut at the end of the alley.

  • wild.kingdom

    Moxie calls up this morning and says, "You're not gonna believe this story..."

    "I like it already!" i tell her.

    An injured raccoon has taken up residence on the porch of her South Loop house, and Moxie can't even open the door without ramming the poor critter, so she called Animal Control and she said she'll keep us posted, and she took some pics, which she'll email to the office.

    Sure enough, we get these shots soon after:

    Her email reads:

    Anyone want a new pet? He/she is a great guard dog. Very loyal, won't leave your side. A little ferocious and likes to hiss, but looks cute sleeping and when pawing at your door.

    What's sad is that they're going to kill the (vicious) little bugger, aren't they? With this guy and Dawn's skunk-infested ventilation shaft, it's a regular wild kingdom round here.

  • field.trip

    This morning, instead of going right to work, my art director "Heems" and i meet at the Field Museum for the media presentation of their new pirates exhibition. I was wondering if i'd see Todd, who works here, and sure enough, he's there, leaning against a pillar by the Buddhist collection talking with another employee, a girl with dreads named Jen. (Her name is Jen; i'm not sure what she calls her dreads.)

    "I should have known you'd be here," Todd says, smiling.

    We chat for a bit, and there's a brief introduction before we tour through the exhibit. "It's a bit theatrical for us," Todd says. "You'll have to let me know what you think."

    Heems and i really enjoy the exhibit -- it's about a pirate ship that was discovered off of Cape Cod. The Wyndah was laden with the booty from 50 ships and was only 500 feet from shore, when one of the worst storms to hit that part of the world ever, swept in. The mast snapped like a twig and the ship ran aground on a sandbar, and all but two of the passengers perished, quickly drowning in the freezing water.

    The captain was en route to see his girlfriend. If he had made it, he'd be bummed to find out she had been convicted of being a witch.

    There are some fun dioramas and mannequins of the pirates, which look pretty damn real. One of the employees tells us how every time he'd come into the re-creation of the cabin, the people setting up the exhibit would have moved Capt. Bellamy into a different place, which always freaked him out. I learn that it's not so easy to hoist a Jolly Roger.

    But what's really mind-opening about the exhibit is how pirate ships were experiments in democracy. Naval and merchant ships had crappy food, strict hierarchies, enforced discipline and lousy pay. But on a pirate ship, no matter what color your skin, you got an equal share of the treasure and had the opportunity to become an elected officer. Pretty rad, huh?

    Heems and i decide that we're totes gonna become pirates.

    After the exhibit, we wander around a bit, but we're hungry, so we take some pictures in the lobby of the giant elephants and the pterodactyl and Sue, the T. Rex.

    "Wanna see the scariest shot i took?" i ask Heems.

    She's all, "Oh, of Sue?"

    I'm like, "Nooooooooo.....not quite," and then i sic this zinger on her.

    "MATTHEW!" she gasps. "I can't believe you took a picture of that baby!"

    "How could i not?" i ask.

    On the way over to Eleven City Diner, where i will consume a sandwich on rye stuffed with a ridiculous amount of corned beef and pastrami, i have us stop and take some goofy shots of the sculpture garden at the south end of Grant Park. It's called "Agora," which is Greek for "gathering place."

  • the.streets.of.san.francisco.xx

    This is the Women's Building in the Mission. Duke and i had to pee, so we thought it'd be delightfully ironical to take a whazz in here. They actually did have a men's room -- and the person working the front desk was an emaciated hipster boy. Go figger. We didn't even know if they'd let penis-bearers in.

    Founded in 1971, the center is designed to help women find jobs, get out of abusive relationships, file taxes and get food. The four-story mural is known to locals as the "Maestrapeace," though its actual title is "Women's Wisdom Through Time." This  collaboration between seven women artists took a year to complete. It wraps around the entire building and features depictions of famous women, including Georgia O'Keefe and a lesbian activist of color, Audre Lorde.

    This is the sign in the courtyard off to the left of the building, as you're facing it. It cracked me up.

  • the.streets.of.san.francisco.xix

    Let's take a walk through Clarion Alley. Duke and i stumbled upon this Mission gem totally randomly on our first trip to San Fran together. We're huge fans of street art, so this was a little taste of heaven.

  • And the Oscar for Best Party goes to........

    Before the Oscar Party, Duke and I take a bath together. It’s another cold day, so we decide to warm up in the tub. I light a bunch of candles, turn on iTunes and pour in some mint bath salts.

    I show Duke the joke that I’ve always wanted to videotape – which we can finally do if we ever open the damn digital recorder I got him for Christmas. I take one of my bath toys and put it under the water til it fills up and then I pretend like I’m cumming, and I squeeze the little froggie, which holds a surprising amount of water, and I start with a few small squirts at first, then build up to some forceful streams that reach my face and I ramp up the moans of faux-pleasure at this point, as squirt after squirt soaks my face and I swing my head back and forth as water drips down it.

    It’s really quite adorable. Remind me to show you that trick sometime.

    Of course by the end of the bath, Duke’s trying it out but he’s really just squirting water all over the bathroom.

    David decided we should all dress in homo ‘70s regalia to honor “Milk,” so I break out a couple of rad polyester duds I just happen to have in my closet, and earlier Duke was wearing this blue and white shirt with a funky pattern and a blue V-neck sweater over it, and sure, the sweater’s a bit short on him, but I have him leave the shirt untucked and he looks supercute and in theme – but when we get out of the bath, he puts on a new, non-thriftstore outfit and I purse my lips at him and call him Bitch Boy for a bit.

    The lovah has never been to Uncommon Ground, so I suggest we stop there to grab a couple of lattes before heading to Greg Haus’ house for his annual Oscar Party. This adorable boy carrying a guitar is coming into Uncommon Ground at the same time we are – he’s totes just like Ugly Betty’s crush – and I hold the door for him, and while the host is telling him where to go to set up for his gig, even though the sound guy isn’t here yet, the dude with the guitarist turns to me and Duke and says, “If you guys are here at 8, you really should check him out. He’s got a classic rock thing going on. But on the other hand, he’s got this totally NOT classic rock things going on as well. He’s really quite good.”

    As they head to the back room, I turn to Duke and laugh. “Well, that was about as useless a description as I’ve ever heard.”

    We go to the coffee bar and chat with the woman making our lattes. She’s got all these stamps out and she’s decorating squares of paper cut up from old menus. “One more thing,” I say after we’ve paid for our drinks. “Could you stamp us?”

    She smiles and asks which one I want and I tell her to surprise me and she stamps the back of my right hand with a man who has a pot for a head. Duke asks for a different one, and he gets this guy drinking a ginormous cup of coffee. “Aw, it makes sense that I got the pothead,” I say, and the barista tries to suppress a smile.

    We head back out the door and swing down Magnolia to Greg’s house, and as we’re coming in we see Petey smoking a cigarette on the porch.

    “Man, I haven’t seen you in a coon’s age!” I call out, then add, “It’s OK, Petey – that’s actually not a bad word.”

    I want to tell him he looks good, though it’s probably for the best that I don’t ‘cause when I ask what he’s been up to, he lifts up his shirt and shows us a thick scar that runs along his pleasure trail.

    “What’s that?” I ask. “Well, I mean, I know it’s a scar – but what happened?”

    And he tells us how he had some scarring on his colon, and it turns out it had happened a couple of times before – “That explains why I was doubled over in pain for two days,” Petey smiles sheepishly. “I just thought I had food poisoning or had partied too hard.” He tells us about his morphine drip, and we move inside, and greet Greg Haus, who’s running around, playing host and cooking up Oscar nominee-themed cuisine – a bunch of yummy Indian dishes to honor “Slumdog Millionaire” and a cheesecake (“It’s made with MILK,” he explains. It looks like it’s topped with apples. “And it’s a little bit fruity,” Greg giggles.)

    Poor Michael is eternally banged-up and he’s got a shiner, a purple bruise under one eye – which he claims happened from one of his cats, and not from Kunt’s fist upon returning from a Michael-less Boys Gone Wild vaycay in Cancun.

    It’s crowded, so Duke leans between Shaved-Head Pete’s legs and I lean into Duke. The ex-Mormon ‘mo who wrote the screenplay for “Milk” gets me all teary-eyed, and I’m happy for Penelope and Kate (though I wanted Heath’s family to get us all bawling, but alas, they were surprisingly composed) and it’s pretty rad when Sean Penn wins Best Actor – Greg Haus keeps shouting YES! YES! and pumping his fist – and Penn’s speech is awesome, talking about how people protesting gay marriage outside the Kodak Theater should be ashamed, and how we need to have equal rights for all.

    Last year I simply couldn’t bear the Oscars, but I was actually excited for them this time, and for the first time ever, they whiz by. I’m not sure if it’s the company – Kringle and B.Hof and Mintie and Jena (“two times in one weekend!” she exclaims, “this must be a new record!”) and David Jacob and He Drinks A Lot – or that there seemed to be less lame montages, and I really love how they have the past winners come out and announce the nominees one-on-one, or maybe it’s the fact that I actually won an Academy Award. (Okay, so it was for WALL•E, but close enough). One of the guys who worked on “Dark Knight” was named Wally Fister, and I joke, “That’s what they used to call me in college.” Someone says, “Gosh, remember when you were just Wally Finger?”

    But really, it’s probably mostly Alex Ross and his inappropriate and hilarious asides. When that homophobic fuck Jerry Lewis staggers onto stage, standing there all crooked like the Hunchback of Notre Dame, Alex says, “It looks like his stylist put both his shoulder pads on the left side!” There were funnier lines, of course – but that’s all that I can recall right now.

  • the.streets.of.san.francisco.xviii

    I would like to dedicate today's blog to my dear, dear friend Alex Ross.

    SUCK IT, YOU WHINY PIECE OF FILTH!

    I apologize that you'll have to put up with these one-a-day (plus iron) photos for some time to come.

    I NEVER ASKED YOU TO LOOK AT THESE PICS, YOU JERKWAD DOUCHEFACE!

    Anyway,

     

    This is the sign in front of our favorite gallery, Creativity Explored. It's a small gallery but it has a huge workshop in the back, where mentally handicapped people come to create art. It's true outsider art, and it's truly amazing.

    Duke and i wandered around for awhile, and we chose at least four pieces to purchase. The best part was that we got there when many of the artists were working on various pieces -- so we met three of the people whose artwork we were buying. They were shy and looked down a lot, but you could tell they thought it was pretty damn cool we were paying for stuff they had created.

  • this.might.come.as.a.surprise.but.i.tend.to.live.in.bit.of.a.fantasy.world

    In Case of Emergency,
    Bring Book

    I grew up in a house full of books, and I’m thankful to my parents for that. Both my mother and father were constantly reading whenever they had spare time, though my mom, a librarian and onetime-school teacher, would also watch TV shows with my brother and I occasionally – Murder, She Wrote was our favorite. As for my dad, he watched the nightly news and golf on the weekends; otherwise he was in his burgundy leather armchair reading a novel he brought home from the library. I recall many a morning when my dad would show up to breakfast bleary-eyed, admitting that he had stayed up late to finish a book. My parents’ tastes are limited almost solely to murder mysteries, and I often tease them that there is plenty of great literature out there that doesn’t involve a gruesome death and a detective. Although I would marvel at the fine craftsmanship of an Agatha Christie and enjoy the playfulness of The Cat Who… series, I tried not to stick to one genre. Despite my parents’ one-track tastes, their example put the love of reading in my blood, as well as my brother’s.

    The first “big boy” book I read was Judy Blume’s Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing. I read this when I was 8 or so, and all of my friends marveled that I had read a book with actual chapters. One that didn’t have pictures on every page. I quickly moved on to Fudge and Superfudge.

    Like my parents, I read every chance I could. Unless I was home sick from school, I wouldn’t veg out in front of the television set. When I wasn’t playing outside, I was curled up on the loveseat in the living room. The living room had white carpet and a formal feel and everything in there was blue and white. It was like something out of Colonial Williamsburg, and it bothered me that it wasn’t ever used. So it became my reading room. My tastes ranged from stories of delight (My Father’s Dragon, the sadly out-of-print The Shades) to the utterly lowbrow (Truly Tasteless Jokes Three).

    My father is not a shopper. Whenever we went to the mall, he’d park himself on a bench, pull out the paperback he had brought along, and would read until the rest of my family had finished our business. He was eager to encourage my reading habits and pledged to always buy me a book if I wanted one whenever we went to the mall. He later regretted this promise, and I actually felt so bad for depleting his wallet that I would limit my book requests to every other visit to the mall.

    Following my father’s example, I never went anywhere without a book. I pitied people who would tell me that they got sick if they read in the car. Weaklings! I would never let that happen to me! There was nothing more depressing than when the sun set and we weren’t home yet. My dad refused to let me have a light on in the backseat – he said it distracted him too much as he drove – so whenever we passed a streetlight, I would quickly read across one line as the page was illuminated in an all-too-brief slash of light.

    When I was in fifth through eighth grade, I read more fantasies than anything else. Gifted with an active imagination, I found something so appealing about an alternate world, filled with magic and monsters. I played Dungeons & Dragons during these years, and would initiate make-believe forays with my friends in the forest behind our houses. How I longed to live in a world that was so much more exciting than this one! Greek and Roman mythology became a passion – I especially liked how human the gods were, imbued with superpowers and immortality, but bogged down by lust, pride, jealousy and other mortal misgivings. Howard Pyle’s legends of King Arthur became dog-eared from having been read so often.

    Piers Anthony’s Xanth novels also delighted me, with their coy allusions to this world (Xanth was suspiciously shaped like Florida), and the clever way they made puns literal – money did, indeed, grow on trees, and centaurs, for example, were the result of a pairing of a horse and human who had drank from a love spring. In addition, everyone in Xanth had some sort of magic talent, no two the same. I spent many hours dreaming about what my talent would have been.

    Another series that enchanted me was Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman’s Dragonlance novels. They were set in a D&D world, filled with colorful characters (Tanis Half-Elven, torn between two races; Tasslehoff, a hobbit-like goofball who “accidentally” found others’ possessions in his pockets; and Raistlin, a wizard with hourglass pupils that showed him only death and decay). Why, oh why was our world devoid of magic?

    It was this desire to enchant the mundane world that got me into the occult. My best friend’s little sister, Michelle, and I would share books on ghosts, ESP, superstitions and the supernatural while I was in junior high. As I entered high school and moved from Seattle to the Bay Area, I befriended a girl named Stephanie, who would spend days with me at the local library. We’d beeline for the occult section and whisper over books we found on witchcraft. If wicca had been more popular at the time, I’m sure we would have actually attempted some spells. As it was, we were content to merely read dusty grimoires, our imaginations running wild. We both felt as if we were doing something that would be frowned upon, and that thrill of rebellion was enough to sate us. We read Jay’s Journal, put out by the same woman who “discovered” Go Ask Alice. Jay gets deeper and deeper into the occult, and there’s a scene in which one of his friends, using only her mind, makes one glass after another fall off a shelf and shatter on the ground. Stephanie and I didn’t quite believe the tale…but we certainly wanted to.

    A couple of the novels of Bret Easton Ellis struck a major chord within me. In high school, I first read Less Than Zero, and I yearned desperately to be like Clay – especially when I went away to college in a small town in Ohio. I was a friendly, jovial, outgoing guy, but inside I was harboring the secret that I was gay, and this repression tinged every experience with misery. You can go about your daily life, but it’s awful to always have to pretend to be something you’re not. That’s why I found tragic literary characters so appealing: Salinger’s Franny, in the midst of a nervous breakdown; Edna in The Awakening, feeling trapped by society’s constraints and suicidal; and Clay. Clay was a beautiful boy who lost himself in cocaine abuse and sexual encounters with both sexes. He was quiet, mysterious. I wanted to be mysterious, too. In fact, in the poetic, angst-ridden letters I’d write to my high school friend Stephanie, I would call myself Clay.

    In my post-collegiate life, I have continued to read voraciously. When I first graduated, I recall being elated that I could once again read for pleasure. (As an English Lit major, I was inundated with required texts, not all of them enjoyable.) Fantasies no longer held their appeal (though I eagerly devoured every Anne Rice novel), and I am still somewhat drawn to troubled characters. Once I came out of the closet and relocated to a big city, where I saw, for the first time, that living an openly gay life could be so normal, I suppose I needed those escapes less. For that’s exactly what they were – escapes from my oxymoronic existence: I was always the boy who was smiling on the outside but crying on the inside.

    When I first got out of college, I actually missed my classes and the process of learning. With the idea of being a lifelong student, I made certain to read a lot of non-fiction. My main passion, from the time I was a child reading about the exploits of Hercules, to my high school obsession with witchcraft, has been world religions and folklore. I worked my way through many of Joseph Campbell’s books, though nowadays I don’t have the patience for them. After college I was used to that dry scholastic diction, but when I pick up my copy of Occidental Mythology, I find my mind wandering too often. I used to have multiple books going at the same time, and I’d try to cover my bases, with, say, Don’t Know Much About the Bible, Generation X and The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time. Since I’ve been in my 30s, though, I’ve turned into a one-book-at-a-time type of guy.

    It has only been in the last decade or so that I’ve really gotten into graphic novels. There’s just something about the combination of amazing art and interesting storytelling that appeals to me. I’ve been weeding out many of the books in my collection (my favorite thing to do is put a Bookcrossing.com label on them and leave them somewhere to be found by a stranger), but I cannot part with my graphic novel and comic book collection. The first graphic novels I read were Art Spiegelman’s Maus volumes; I think he was one of the first authors to help graphic novels gain credibility. From there, I discovered Daniel Clowes (Ghost World, Like a Velvet Glove Cast in Iron, David Boring, Ice Haven), Richard Sala (Evil Eye), Adrian Tomine (Optic Nerve), Mike Mignola (Hellboy, B.P.R.D.), Alan Moore (League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) and Frank Miller (Sin City). I tend to be drawn to those who weave a warped tale to go along with eye-catching artwork. Aside from a few awesome Batman tales (The Long Halloween, Frank Miller’s contributions), and the Buffy the Vampire Slayer series, I’ve never been too impressed with superheroes.

    A Means of Escape
    It’s strange to me that I never made a connection between all of the types of books that I loved to read while growing up. Now, though, it seems so glaringly obvious: They were all ways of coping with my repression, means of forgetting my burden, if even for a little while. And where better to escape than to a world much like this one, but imbued with magic? Places where being different was accepted – the fact that I liked boys wouldn’t be such a big deal in a realm filled with various races and monsters that were a mishmash of various animals. What’s the big deal with being gay when compared with being half-woman, half-eagle? Or half-man, half-horse?

    I never understood why fantasy and science fiction were always grouped together. I wanted no part in those stories of space travel and alien planets. They were too dependent upon science and logic; they seemed cold and calculated to me. Give me magic spells and dangerous monsters any day.

    My early interest in mythology and books of fantasy – how I yearned to find a magical armoire that would open up into a magical world, like the Pevensie kids in the Chronicles of Narnia – led directly to my interest in the occult and the paranormal. It was a thrill to think that magic and the fantastical might exist right here, in this world! As I grew older and more scholarly, this fascination developed into an interest in the various folklore, mythology and religions of the world, both past and present. I still hold all of these interests, but they no longer consume the majority of my reading habits. Living as an openly gay man relieved me of the need to slip into my imagination to cope with reality.

    Freed from the burden of my repression, I feel that I can better appreciate literature on its own merits. Favorite authors of my adulthood include Bukowski (this misogynistic drunk writes amazing prose, and pretty much the only poetry, besides Dickinson and Whitman, that connects with me), Palahniuk, Murakami. After reading Jeffrey Eugenides’ Middlesex, I understood why it had won the Pulitzer. Donna Tartt’s The Secret History and Audrey Niffenegger’s Time Traveler’s Wife remain two of the books I quickly offer when friends ask for reading suggestions.

    Another of the reasons I love to read is that authors are celebrities, but unlike actors and rock stars, they are actually accessible. Now and then, I’ll feel inspired enough to pen a letter to an author. When I read The Cat Who… murder mysteries in high school, I simply had to let Lillian Jackson Braun know that I, too, had a Siamese named Koko (actually, I spelled mine Co-Co), who I suspected might be psychic as well, and that I shared her love of the paranormal and the French language. She wrote me back with the name of the adorable little old lady who translated her books into French – and I actually looked her up on a class trip to Paris, visiting her apartment on the Champs-Elysées, where she fed me petits gâteaux, one after the other. Another time, in my early 20s, I wrote to Francesca Lia Block and told her that her rock ’n’ roll urban fairy tales inspired me, and she replied, praising my writing ability – a compliment that has remained a source of pride. I also attend many author readings, which as allowed me to meet Anne Rice (I had to wait in line for three hours), Bret Easton Ellis, Jay McInerney, Chuck Palahniuk (hands down, the most entertaining), Lynda Barry (truly inspiring), John Berendt, Douglas Coupland. That’s pretty cool.

    To this day, I rotate a book from my nightstand, where I read every night before bed, to my messenger bag – and if, for some godforsaken reason I forget my book at home, I am absolutely miserable during my hour-long el ride to work. It literally drives me crazy if I cannot read. Reading is, and always will be, one of the main driving forces of my life. Even without my longing to escape the secret that burned a hole inside of me for so many years, old habits die hard. Reading’s not something I want, so much as it’s something I need.