July 14, 2009

  • What Does Your Future Hold?

    Mema's .... i mean MADAM MINERVA'S latest horrorscopes!

    Flashes of Brillance
    by Madam Minerva 
     
    Aries – March 21 – April 19 –  You have been on a constant diet your entire life, you have lost so much weight that by all accounts you should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

    Taurus – April 20 – May 20 – So that you can let go of your negative thoughts, today you should began to voice them out loud no matter where you are or who you are with.
     
    Gemini – May 21 – June 20 – There is a way for you to kill two birds with one stone.  Spend all this week’s food allowance money on a extremely expensive wrinkle cream,
     
    Cancer – June 21 – July 22 – Start to think positive.  Today pretend that the swoosh of your corduroy-clad thighs chafing together is actually the stirring soundtrack to a movie of which you are the star!

    Leo – July 23 – August 22 – Today is a good day to pull out those three white hairs on your chin…either that or braid them.
     
    Virgo – August 23 – September 22- you know those splatters of food spots that you have all over your clothes….well, you’re starting to have wet spots too.
     
    Libra – September 23 – October 22 – rethink that cute little doggie tattoo you want to get because most likely by next year it will look like Godzilla as your body expands

    Scorpio – October 23 – November 21 – you have a right to deny your ever-expanding girth by purchasing only clothes with elastic waistbands…and, you better stay away from “one size fits all”
     
    Sagittarius – November 22 – December 21 – Physical fitness is in!  You recently had a physical fit yourself.

    Capricorn – December 22 – January 19 – You are a direct descendent of trolls and troglodytes
     
    Aquarius – January 20 –February 18 – Your constant habit of furrowing your brows serves the dual purpose of making you look both intelligent and concerned, good thing you shaved the middle or else you would have just looked dorky.

    Pisces – February 19 – March 20 – Most marriages are a success if they outlive milk.