First off, let me say that i feel as if we've grown apart from Hazel. Sure, she's probably legally insane and homeless, but for awhile there, i really felt we had a connection. And it doesn't bother me that she's a witch, leaving statues of angels at the bus stop as part of her rituals. What bothers me is that now she thinks i'm a witch, and she'll ask me what kind of curse i've put on her.

So i'm a bit wary of Hazel lately. Plus, she was MIA for awhile. Now she's back, sporting a black t-shirt with an angry snowman on the front and TRAP OR DIE! on the back. We're out in front of Pause, petting one of our favorite doggies, Zoe, a toy shit-zoo (not sure that's the correct spelling). Zoe is the type of doggie who cheers you up on even the worst of mornings. When she sees you coming, she starts trotting in place and her tail-wagging takes over her whole body in an ecstatic tremor.

As we pet Zoe, Hazel shambles over. Holiday's favorite family is on the patio as well, a Turkish couple who have a young son. The boy is scared of Zoe and hides between his father's legs. The dad, whose name is Oz, isn't helping matters by calling Zoe "a monster."

"Can i ask you a question?" Hazel grumbles.

"Of course," i say.

"If that dog was bigger -- i mean your size -- would you love her?"

"I love Zoe already," i tell her. "I'd love her no matter what size she was."

"I don't mean love -- you know what i mean -- i mean love her, you know, have sex with her."

Duke and i were afraid that's what she was getting at. "No, i can safely say that i would not," i tell her. I look over at the kid and hope he's not listening to all of this.

"I know how you are," Hazel mutters. "I know how you all treat minorities."

And that's my and Duke's cue to head to the train, laughing at our latest enounter. Mornings are always some sort of adventure.

I know! Look how thin she looks!

It was MyMaMain's birthday, and he turned 30something. Who really cares about what age the people who are younger than you are? To celebrate, he wanted to see some crazy chicks on rollerskates get bruised. Who wouldn't?

I have to tell you that i'm a huge fan of the roller derby, though i've only gone to one game. That was a couple of years ago, back when they played their bouts down in Cicero. I went with the library school gang to cheer on our very own Vargas Girl, Anita Applebomb. That was the same night that one of the girls, Tequila Mockingbird, ended up paralyzed. And they tell you that things like that can happen in any sport, that they're extremely rare, that that's the only time in the national league that an injury has been that severe. And yet it freaked me out and kept me away for a couple of years.

But Mike's birthday was a good excuse to get back in the game, so to speak. So we all met up at Bottom Lounge (yes, as Gino said, Insert Quip Here), under the el tracks on Lake Street. Then we all piled onto a yellow school bus and headed to the UIC Pavilion.

One of the best parts about roller derby is that all the chicks have fun, clever names -- and they have to register them nationally, so no two can be the same.

Here's Mrs. McMains, Ginorelli. I think this got picked up by Pepsi in their new campaign.

I'd like to buy a vowel, Alex. (Actually, Mr. X was quite popular amongst us tipsy, tittering twats.)

This crew was going around asking for someone to be their S, but they couldn't find any takers, so they cleverly improvised and created an X. The team we were rooting for was the Manic Attackers, the underdogs. They were playing the Hell's Belles, who i was told i had to hate.

Mar and Mr. Goodwine were there. That Mexican wrestler mask made the rounds, as you can imagine. So did Mar's tongue.

Not really. Totes kids.

Warming up for the bout.

There was a pre-game game played by members of the two teams who didn't make it to the championships. The whites were zombie-themed, the blacks were Star Wars.

Crazy masked man scaring me.

Perfecting the X.

Duke and i were kind of obsessed with the beer vendor. We had at least three photos of him, and in every single one, he was staring right at the camera. We weren't being too subtle...especially after our third strawberry daquiri.

Carmelo assured me that the mask wouldn't fit on his abnormally large (but very handsome) head. I didn't believe him. But i should have.

A black team kittycat.

My smile totally looks fake. But it wasn't! I was having a blast!

And so was Duke. That's just how he shows it.

Those earplugs must work wonders, 'cause i have to tell you that i didn't even realize the storm was all that bad. Then again, maybe it happened while i was at work. At any rate, we had some stormy weather, and it was just too much for the drains to handle. Duke calls me right before he leaves for work: "We have an emergency here."

We live in a basement apartment (people in Chicago try to call them "gardens" but there ain't no flowers growing in there), and water and/or black gunk was oozing out of every orifice. I left work early, and by the time i got home (OK, OK, i stopped off at a Mexican joint below my office and had nachos and a beer with a coworker first),  the water had all receded.

Still, i spent the afternoon mopping up water on the bathroom tile. But the grodiest part was cleaning the drains by the laundry and the water heater. Those two closets had a film of black muck. Luckily, it didn't smell like sewage, just earthy, like rotting leaves. And really, i don't mind sticking my hands into filth like that. I'll gladly reach into the shower drain and gleefully pull out a clump of hair and god knows what else. Maybe it's a holdover from my childhood, playing in mud and all that.

So it wasn't too bad a chore, but when the skies opened up with another monsoon, i was worried that i'd have to start all over again. Luckily, the crazy downpour lasted all of five minutes, and nothing oozed out of the drains this time.

Duke was working late, so i watched a film noir on Netflix on my laptop and curled up in bed.

The next morning, i went to the coffeeshop, and Jeff told me to look down Winthrop on my way home. A 130-year-old tree had been hit by lightning. Jeff says that the sap heats up so quickly, it explodes. I had my camera with me, so i snapped some pics. It's truly sad -- this beauty was about four times as large as most of the other trees on the block. A huge pile of branches lay on both sides of the street. And this poor car, along with the one in front of it, were totaled.

It was Pugsley's birthday recently, and i've been on a card kick, so i sent him one c/o Greg, his manservant.

This was delivered into my and Duke's Facebook inboxes this fine morning:

I wrote back via his manservant:

To which Greg replied:

i don't know what you're talking about--unless pugsley hacked into my facebook account again and was sending out messages. i told him to just get his own account--i mean, c'mon, they're free--but he is very anti online social-networking...except, of course, when it benefits him. at any rate, here is a picture of said dog. it's not exactly "new" but i think he would approve of it being posted to the internet. he's quite sensitive about these things since his sex tape was leaked.

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."Once in a blue moon, an email forward is actually worth its merit.

I particularly appreciated this one from Mumsy.

ARTISTRY  OF INSULTS - When Insults Had Class  (no 4-letter words!!)
 
These glorious insults are from an era  when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English  language got boiled down to 4-letter words,not to mention waving middle  fingers.

 
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:  She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd  drink it."
 
A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you  will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said  Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your  mistress."
 
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter  Kerr
 
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the  vices I admire." - Winston  Churchill
 
"A  modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston  Churchill
 
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
 
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the  dictionary."  William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor Faulkner.  Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"  Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
 
"Thank you for  sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -  Moses Hadas
 
"He can compress the most words into the  smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
 
"I  didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
 
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
 
"I am  enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a  friend.... if you have one."-  George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly  attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -  Winston Churchill, in response.
 
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen  Bishop
 
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -  John Bright
 
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
 
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel  Johnson
 
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run  up." - Paul Keating
 
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard
 
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human  knowledge." -  Thomas Brackett Reed
 
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
 
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
 
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
 
"His  mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae  West
 
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
 
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."-  Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
 
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."  - Billy Wilder
 
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho  Marx

 

"Excuse me...Is this the Midsommarfest? Why are there so many drunk gay men? Where are all the lesbians?"

Yes, once upon a time Andersonville was the Swedish neighborhood of Chicago. But after that it became really lebeau, with businesses cropping up such as Star Gaze nightclub and Dykes and Tykes (actually Women and Children First bookstore). I think that the lesbian community is what gave Andersonville its activist vibe. There are very few chains on this stretch of Clark Street, and the locals successfully prevented a Starbucks from opening up for about five years. Eventually, the alderman must have caved, but the Starbucks hasn't put the Zen coffeeshop, the Kopi, out of business, even though it's located right across the street.

Midsommarfest is always a fun time. It's way less hectic than Market Days, and it's kid-friendly in the morning. By the afternoon, the gays start taking over -- just as they did the entire neighborhood. There's still a lesbian presence, but us 30- and 40something gay guys have the numbers. By the evening, you're left with a bunch of drunk homos. Good times!

Duke was snapping candids early in the day.

Don't cry, little girl. There's plenty of funnel cake to go around.

This shot should be in the Metromix section of the Red Eye. It encapsulates a Chicagoan street fair quite well.

Miz Fierce!

This little fella likes street festivals. They're very relaxing.

And here's the Starbucks i mentioned.

We started the day with mimosas over at Michael Lex Luthor's house. Here he's gesturing how large he wishes his moobs were.

Duke and Ivan the Terrible. (He's not really terrible. I think there was a Viking called that.)

Despite having Swedish roots, there's a strong contingency of Middle Eastern restaurants in A-Ville. As such, gyros were quite popular as fest fare. In fact, i think B.Hof and Jason had them twice. "Why mess with perfection?" Jason said.

As opposed to this sour-pussed babe, Michael actually seems happy here, doesn't he? It's enough to melt even the Grinch's heart.

You can tell that's me squeezing his widdow cheeks because of my malformed thumb. (It's a pronounced Mount Venus, sheesh!)

Isn't it sooooo hot when guys kiss?

B.Hof, Ivan and Jason.
Where's Catty?, you wonder. Oh, he was just dying of the swine flu is all. He's all better now.

Dunno who she is, but darn if she's not cute.

Ride 'em, cow.......boy?

Me and Ryan -- we hardly ever call him Messy Ryan anymore. Just cuz One Time, Years Ago, he happened to puke all over himself at Alex Ross' party at that coachhouse he lived in in Roscoe Village. Don't you people ever forget?!

Naughty, naughty! I think these were strangers.

Best part of the pic: Look between the women. Surpreeeze! I totes pulled a Ben Carroll.

Not without my daughter.

NOM NOM NOM. GLUG GLUG GLUG. That was my summation of Midsommar. Oh yeah, we watched a chick cover band, Cat Fight, with a bunch of lesbians, too.

But mostly we ate...and drank...and drank some more.

"Who's calling? Oh, it's your cleavage again."

Everyone loves the Puppet Bike!

And what's Hamburger Mary's without some marys?

And what's Midsommarfest without some good friends?

I forgot this row of photos. You probably couldn't tell from the other shots, but Carol's what we call a "little person."

Totes kids! That's just Duke on stilts! I gave em a whirl, and couldn't do it. I blame the sogginess of the environs and not any lack of coordination on my part.

It take a lot to astonish Mar.

Mar doing her best crazy old Greek woman.

At one point, Carol was whipping Swayze with a belt. And i'm not saying he was LOVING it, but, ah hell. That's exactly what i'm saying.

'Member Memorial Day? Oh, come on. It wasn't That long ago. Mar had a BBQ out at her pad in oh, i don't know what neighborhood that is. Lincoln Square, maybe? Anyhoo, Duke and i rode our bikes over and right as we got there it started sprinkling.

But did we let that stop us from having a rollicking good time? If you know me, you know the answer is Hells no!

Besides, look how purty the rain is on fleurs.

Somehow the afternoon devolved into limboing. I didn't even try. I'm an old man now and i just know i'd throw my back out. Of course, back in college i was a bit of a Limbo King. Those days are over, though, sigh.

Twas good hanging with some peeps i hadn't seen in awhile, including Jérémie. Remember when he and Mar had parties like every month, in that apartment that had a porch about to collapse?

And here's his darling sissypoo, Stephanie. Apparently, she doesn't spell her name with accents.

Whenever i take a pic like this, i always wish i could remember what setting i had the camera on, 'cause i think they're pretty rad.

Here comes the rain again!

Carol wore her dad's Army shirt from Vietnam, which i thought was appropriate and really cool.

That crazysexycool chick in the middle in Tabbie. We loved her instantly. She giggles a lot, and someone thought she was a trannie in a bar bathroom. Hop aboard the crazy train!

Richard "Seabreeze" Tumi brought some stylin' coasters for our brewskis.

Showing off his mad corn skillz.

Showing off my mad gimp eye.

Rock on, sistas!

Stephanie's beau. I did Not have a crush on him, jeezuschrist.

See? It's Mar i was totes crushing on! Can't you see the passion?

En garde!

There's Seabreeze!

Spout, spout, let it all out.

Thanks, Mar, for a fun time!

A few weeks back, i was lucky enough to be invited to Benjy's parents' cottage in darling Grand Haven, Michigan. I didn't really ask much about the details, as i like to be surprised. Well, this more than exceeded my dreams -- the cottages (there are two) are literally on the beach! Right on Lake Michigan! That's pretty unheard of in this day and age.

I took some shots, but of course i haven't uploaded them yet (along with Memorial Day and my visit to my family on Hilton Head Island and the wedding i just attended in Peoria). So, in the meantime, here are other people's shots.

Purely coincidentally, i'm sure, i noticed that all but one of the pix feature yours truly.

You can see how warm it was.

This was the best costume for the day.

You'll see in later shots how close Crazy Joe got to the edge of the pier. And this was even after i had warned everyone that this was the Pier de Muerte. In the past few years, we've run multiple stories about people getting swept off of the breakwater and drowning. There's even a sign at the start of it warning how dangerous it is and showing pictures of two teenage boys who died out there.

Joe in the  morning.

Why was i the only one who knew this was supposed to be a Glamour Shotz?

It's amazing how even one short weekend away can be so chockful of fun adventures that it seems as if you were gone for at least a week.