May 22, 2009

  • introducing.hazel

    (for some reason i did this as a facebook note. which is obviously crazy. so i apologize if this is a repeat -- though i'll add the latest Hazel tidbits at the end!)

    Our new favorite crazy, Hazel! Duke named her after some character in the old Bugs Bunny cartoons, Witch Hazel. I guess she'd dart off and leave her hairpin behind. I just remember Bugs doing drag.

    Hazel is adorable, and all the baristas love her and give her free coffee. ("I think we're encouraging her too much," West said, but he still gives her her caffeine buzz.)

    She has quite a fashion sense, very Little Edie from "Grey Gardens." Today she was at the coffeeshop and babbling on to me and Dukes. We can understand about 10% of what she says. This morning she was big on rape -- it came up twice -- and she was talking about someone being stabbed in the heart, and Duke thought she mentioned Mayor Daley, but i heard Jesse Jackson and Junior, and she said she needs $60 to get that room, and then went off on that whole "I may be poor on Earth, but i'll be rich in Heaven" spiel.

    She left for awhile, to play in traffic and wave at the cars going by while standing in the middle of the street. When she came back, she goes, "Can i ask you a question? What's fiesty mean? It used to mean something different when i was young -- we'd say, 'That fiesty Chinaman' -- and it means a whole lot of different things." Duke and i try to make it as positive as possible, and tell her it's someone who's active and a character, with a touch of mischivousness, and that it's a compliment -- i really would take it as one -- and that it can also kind of signify a strong woman.

    Hazel nods, pleased, and fesses up that someone had just called her fiesty.

    But our favorite thing about Hazel is that she loves to dance. When she came back, Jeff was all, "Put on Prince!" And that was just what Hazel needed to start boogying.

    I lifted my iPhone and Hazel totally caught me.

    "You takin' my picture?" she asked.

    "Yes, i am."

    "Well, OK, then!" she said, and raised her arm and started dancing.

    We felt as if we're pretty tight with Hazel, but she's still quite unpredictable. The other day she was standing in the doorway at Pause.

    "Good morning!" i said to her as we passed by.

    She just stared at me.

    "Good morning," i repeated.

    "What kind of curse you gonna put on me today?" she asked, then started muttering away.

    This was our first clue that Duke was psychic in determining that her name was Witch Hazel. Because get a loada this shit:

    This morning, Hazel's on the Pause sidewalk café, smoking one of her brown cigarettes. Duke walks me to the el, and there, atop a USA Today box is a ceramic angel.

    "Go give that to Hazel!" i tell Dukes.

    He resists, but i persists.

    Finally he grumbles like a little boy, grabs the angel and stomps away, back to the coffeeshop. He's growing up. It's cute.

    He handed Hazel the angel. "Here, this is for you," he said.

    "Put that back!" Hazel shouted, alarmed. "I'm doing a witch ritual!"

    Well, he did put it back -- though we can't help but wonder what sort of ritual Miz Hazel is up to -- and as Duke replaced the angel atop the newspaper dispenser, a CTA employee came out and said, "That's a nice gesture, but I wouldn't be surprised if somebody tried to sell it!"