Last night, as Duke and i were watching an ep of "30 Rock on my laptop -- we're about three behind somehow -- we heard my cell phone text alert go off three times in a row.

I figured it was probably Catty, texting me about "Lost." We hadn't watched the night's episode yet, so i didn't check the message.

"It's probably something like, Oh. My. God," i tell Duke.

This morning, though, at work, my curiosity gets the better of me. I decide to read the messages. They're from some 646 number (is that the New York area?) and they're one long strange misunderstanding that got divided into three texts.

Here are the cryptic, poetic messages:

When you're here let's devour the city. Let's taste the lines of nelson algren and rest them on our palates and our tits. Then say yes we will no matter

the cost. We will buy it. We Will say yes. Standing in a once sensible coat we will maintain a just so satchel of bohemia and we will eat our eggs and nod

. Because it is the thing to do. Or come to my place for bloody mary's and profundity. It is large. Join in u in the corner. Step up front. Rise.

***
Can anyone interpret this gobbledygook? I mean, it sounds like fun and all, but whaaa?

On the top floor of the MoMA, they were giving out posters. I think they were of the sky, with clouds. I have this vision of buying some heavy-duty tape, writing something really witty on cool in permanent marker, and putting one up on Market Street by the sleazy strip clubs.

Instead, i just left it in our hotel room when we checked out. I hope the maid liked it.

I used it as a trumpet to herald in a new era first, though.

DUH DA-DA DUHN!

Duke and i took some pics of each other on the stairwell. You can tell that the two photos below were taken earlier in the day; they don't have the soft golden glow of pre-twilight like the one above.

I get on the train and notice that there's a purse on my seat. It's quite a cute little purse, too -- it's small and gold and cheaply made and has XOXO all over it. I pick it up, feeling a bit too dainty, and hold it up for the woman next to me.

"Is this yours?" i ask, then i feel stupid. The woman is Muslim and has her head covered in a wrap. She looks at me like i'm crazy and like she maybe doesn't speak English. She just stares at me, so i put the purse down.

A youngish guy across the way says, "That was that girl's. She just got off." By this time, the doors have closed, and i look out the windows, but the train is pulling away from Berwyn and i can't tell who he's talking about.

So i put the purse in my lap, open it up and rifle through the contents. I was looking for contact info, peeps! Sheesh! I pull out the wallet, ignoring glares from the Muslim woman and bemused stares from the dude across the aisle. All that's in there is a CTA card and a blank information card. There's also an old cell phone that looks like a remote control. It doesn't turn on, and i wonder if it was just for play-play. Durn. I thought it'd be fun to call someone and tell 'em i found the purse.

I pull out the book that's in the purse and my heart melts a bit when i see that it's The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton. I just read that book -- only this chick has a glammed-up silvery cover. Did you know that book was written by a 16-year-old girl? Kinda makes you a little sick, doesn't it? Why wasn't i writing young adult classics in high school?

I put the purse in my Monkey Business satchel. Muslim Woman gives me the evil eye. She's looking like she wants to cut off my hand for stealing. I ignore her and go back to my book, a delightful gothic romance about werewolves.

At Harrison, i head to the CTA booth and tell the woman about finding the purse. She's not really listening to me, going on about how no one ever comes to pick stuff up at the lost and found, that it'll just sit there, never claimed. She alternates between shaming the girl for losing her purse and sympathy that she lost it. Her hands eagerly explore the purse, and she finds some stuff i didn't -- a small square video game chip and a zipper compartment.

"Look at this," she says. "She has some money! Twenty-one dollars!" She shakes her head. Muttering, she adds, "Girl doesn't got sense! She got money to lose!"

I tell her someone told me the girl got off at Berwyn Station, and the woman gets all excited. "That's what i'll do! I'll call them and ask them if a little girl reported a lost purse! Maybe she will get it back."

She seems hopeful.My work here is done. I continue on to work.

(with apologies to David Bowie)

More shots from the San Fran MoMA.

Wonder what the pots are for. Catchin' urine?

We just liked this one. It's pretty cool they let you take pictures in the museum.

I was pretending like i was a game show host.

This room creeped me out. You could hear whispers all around, and a woman was whispering in my ears, "Tell me your secrets. What do you think about when you're lying in bed at night?"

I got all freaked, wondering if someone was watching us, if she was speaking directly to me. Looking around, i couldn't see any one-way glass or cameras or anything, but i felt vulnerable and i wanted to whisper something into the mike, but i pussed out.

This was a contraption that let you see the other people but with your eyes. So i saw Duke with my diarrhea-brown eyes. We didn't have anyone take our pic, so i snapped one of this DILF instead.

Just another night at Casa Duke Wright Marts.

Daveed and He Drinks A Lot model their new snuggies. They're the color of a mermaid's sea foam breasts.

I have to say, i was a bit disappointed. Now, i have only experienced a snuggie's magic secondhand, but they seem cheaply made and aren't soft like a unicorn's pelt, as i imagined they would be. Plus, they're open at the feet, and everybody knows feet sticking out is the biggest problem with blankies.

I think the TV has duped us yet again!

(But does that stop me from wanting to be engulfed in their hooded warmth? Of course not.)

I forgot to wear green this morning, which to someone who loves to run with a wardrobe theme, is actually quite traumatic. Luckily one of my flair is a green rubberband bracelet that has the word "read" in five languages -- even Braille, though it's kind of a ripoff: The dots aren't even raised. Good luck reading that, blind people!

So instead i have a v-neck tee that reads OVER THE HILL. It used to be ironical.

This is a boring issue of the mag this month, so i just can't feel overly passionate about it -- lots of mechanical nitty-gritty, no supersexy travel feature as we've been doing of late -- and it's a beeyoooteeful spring day and of course it's St. Patty's, and everyone knows the Irish are famous lushes, and all of this is just a buildup to why i really needed an effin' beer.

We have some in the fridge at work, but that didn't pan out for us so well last time. We snuck it over to the big table and i tried to secretely open it in the corner, but it foamed all over the place and soon the entire kitchen REEKED of booze. Smooth move, Exlax. Heems, my partner-in-crime, laughed so hard she was crying.

We're a bit more suave today -- we open the fridge so the door can block us, and i have Heems do the pouring, and we hide the bottles in the margarita bucket i finally decide to recycle. The toxic green liquid i poured out looked like antifreeze and had been in there for about two years. It KILLS me to waste tequila, but even i know when it's time is up.

And so now all the windows are open and the stories are shaping up a bit and a nice foamy beer sits next to my monitor.

Praise Ceres. Welcome, Spring. You sure took your sweet ass time.

Did the Maya predict that the world will end in 2012?

 Carlos Barrios was born into a Spanish family on El Altiplano, the
 highlands of Guatemala. His home was in Huehuetenango, also the
 dwelling place of the Maya, Mam tribe. With other Maya and other
 indigenous tradition keepers, the Mam carry part of the 'old ways on
 Turtle Island (North America). They are keepers of time, authorities
 on remarkable calendars that are ancient, elegant and relevant.

 Mr. Barrios is a historian, an anthropologist and investigator. After
 studying with traditional elders for 25 years since the age of 19, he
 has also became a Mayan Ajq'ij, a ceremonial priest and spiritual
 guide, Eagle Clan. Years ago, along with his brother, Gerardo, Carlos
 initiated an investigation into the different Mayan calendars. He
 studied with many teachers. He says his brother Gerardo interviewed
 nearly 600 traditional Mayan elders to widen their scope of
 knowledge.

 "Anthropologists visit the temple sites," Mr. Barrios says, "and read
 the inscriptions and make up stories about the Maya, but they do not
 read the signs correctly. It's just their imagination. Other people
 write about prophecy in the name of the Maya. They say that the world
 will end in December 2012.The Mayan elders are angry with this. The
 world will not end. It will be transformed."

 The indigenous have the calendars, and know how to accurately
 interpret it, not others. The Mayan Calendars comprehension of time,
 seasons, and cycles has proven itself to be vast and sophisticated.
 The Maya understand 17 different calendars, some of them charting
 time accurately over a span of more than ten million years. The
 calendar that has steadily drawn global attention since 1987 is
 called the Tzolk'in or Cholq'ij.

 Devised ages ago and based on the cycle of the Pleiades, it is still
 held as sacred. With the indigenous calendars, native people have
 kept track of important turning points in history. For example, the
 day keepers who study the calendars identified an important day in
 the year One Reed, Ce Acatal, as it was called by the Mexicans. That
 was the day when an important ancestor was prophesied to return,
 "coming like a butterfly". In the Western Calendar, the One Reed date
 correlates to Easter Sunday, April 21,1519 the day that Hernando
 Cortez and his fleet of 11 Spanish galleons arrived from the East at
 what is today called Vera Cruz, Mexico.

 When the Spanish ships came toward shore, native people were waiting
 and watching to see how it would go. The billowing sails of the ships
 did indeed remind the scouts of butterflies skimming the ocean
 surface. In this manner was a new era initiated, an era they had
 anticipated through their calendars.

 The Maya termed the new era the Nine Bolomtikus, or nine Hells of 52
 years each. As the nine cycles unfolded, land and freedom were taken
 from the native people. Disease and disrespect dominated. What began
 with the arrival of Cortez, lasted until August 16, 1987 - a date
 many people recall as Harmonic Convergence.

 Millions of people took advantage of that date to make ceremony in
 sacred sites, praying for a smooth transition to a new era, the World
 of the Fifth Sun. From that 1987 date until now, Mr. Barrios says, we
 have been in a time when the right arm of the materialistic world is
 disappearing, slowly but inexorably. We are at the cusp of the era
 when peace begins, and people live in harmony with Mother Earth.

 We are no longer in the World of the Fourth Sun, but we are not yet
 in the World of the Fifth Sun. This is the time in-between, the time
 of transition. As we pass through transition there is a colossal,
 global convergence of environmental destruction, social chaos, war,
 and ongoing Earth changes.

 All this, Mr. Barrios says, was foreseen via the simple, spiral
 mathematics of the Mayan calendars. "It will change," Mr. Barrios
 observes. "Everything will change." He said Mayan Daykeepers view the
 Dec. 21, 2012 date as a rebirth, the start of the World of the Fifth
 Sun. It will be the start of a new era resulting from and signified
 by the solar meridian crossing the galactic equator, and the earth
 aligning itself with the center of the galaxy.

 At sunrise on December 21, 2012 for the first time in 26,000 years
 the Sun rises to conjunct the intersection of the Milky Way and the
 plane of the ecliptic. This cosmic cross is considered to be an
 embodiment of the Sacred Tree, The Tree of Life, a tree remembered in
 all the world's spiritual traditions.

 Some observers say this alignment with the heart of the galaxy in
 2012 will open a channel for cosmic energy to flow through the earth,
 cleansing it and all that dwells upon it, raising all to a higher
 level of vibration. This process has already begun, Mr. Barrios
 suggested. "Change is accelerating now, and it will continue to
 accelerate. If the people of the earth can get to this 2012 date in
 good shape, without having destroyed too much of the Earth,
 Mr.Barrios said, we will rise to a new, higher level. But to get
 there we must transform enormously powerful forces that seek to block
 the way.

 A Picture of the Road Ahead
From his understanding of the Mayan
 tradition and the calendars, Mr.Barrios offered a picture of where we
 are at and what may lie on the road ahead: The date specified in the
 calendar Winter Solstice in the year 2012 does not mark the end of
 the world. Many outside people writing about the Mayan calendar
 sensationalize this date, but they do not know. The ones who know are
 the indigenous elders who are entrusted with keeping the tradition.
 "Humanity will continue," he contends, "but in a different way.
 Material structures will change. From this we will have the
 opportunity to be more human. "We are living in the most important era
 of the Mayan calendars and prophecies. All the prophecies of the
 world, all the traditions, are converging now. There is no time for
 games. The spiritual ideal of this era is action.

 Many powerful souls have reincarnated in this era, with a lot of
 power. This is true on both sides, the light and the dark. High magic
 is at work on both sides. Things will change, but it is up to the
 people how difficult or easy it is for the changes to come about.

 The economy now is a fiction. The first five-year stretch of
 transition from August 1987 to August 1992 was the beginning of the
 destruction of the material world. We have progressed ten years
 deeper into the transition phase by now, and many of the so-called
 sources of financial stability are in fact hollow. The banks are
 weak. This is a delicate moment for them. They could crash globally
 if we don't pay attention. If the banks crash .... then we will be
 forced to rely on the land and our skills. The monetary systems will
 be in chaos, and we must then rely on our direct relationship with
 the Earth for our food and shelter.

 The North and South Poles are both breaking up. The level of the
 water in the oceans is going to rise. But at the same time land in
 the ocean, especially near Cuba, is also going to rise.

 A Call for Fusion
As he met with audiences in Santa Fe, Mr. Barrios
 told a story about the most recent Mayan New Year ceremonies in
 Guatemala. He said that one respected Mam elder, who lives all year
 in a solitary mountain cave, journeyed to Chichicastenango to speak
 with the people at the ceremony. The elder delivered a simple, direct
 message. He called for human beings to come together in support of
 life and light.

 Right now each person and group is going his or her own way. The
 elder of the mountains said there is hope if the people of the light
 can come together and unite in some way. Reflecting on this, Mr.
 Barrios explained: "We live in a world of polarity: day and night,
 man and woman, positive and negative. Light and darkness need each
 other. They are a balance."

 "Just now the dark side is very strong, and very clear about what
 they want. They have their vision and their priorities clearly held,
 and also their hierarchy. They are working in many ways so that we
 will be unable to connect with the spiral Fifth World in 2012."

 "On the light side everyone thinks they are the most important, that
 their own understandings, or their group's understandings, are the
 key. There's a diversity of cultures and opinions, so there is
 competition, diffusion, and no single focus.

 "As Mr. Barrios sees it, the dark side works to block fusion through
 denial and materialism. It also works to destroy those who are
 working with the light to get the Earth to a higher level. They like
 the energy of the old, declining Fourth World, the materialism. They
 do not want it to change. They do not want fusion. They want to stay
 at this level, and are afraid of the next level.

 The dark power of the declining Fourth World cannot be destroyed or
 overpowered. It's too strong and clear for that, and that is the
 wrong strategy. The dark can only be transformed when confronted with
 simplicity and open-heartedness. This is what leads to fusion, a key
 concept for the World of the Fifth Sun.

 Mr. Barrios said the emerging era of the Fifth Sun will call
 attention to a much-overlooked element. Whereas the four traditional
 elements of earth, air, fire and water have dominated various epochs
 in the past, there will be a fifth element to reckon with in the time
 of the Fifth Sun: ether.

 The dictionary defines ether as the rarefied element of the Heavens.
 Ether is a medium. It permeates all space and transmits waves of
 energy in a wide range of frequencies, from cell phones to human
 auras. What is "ethereal" is related to the regions beyond earth: the
 heavens.

 Ether the element of the Fifth Sun is celestial and lacking in
 material substance,but is no less real than wood, stone or flesh.
 "Within the context of ether there can be a fusion of the
 polarities," Mr. Barrios said. "No more darkness or light in the
 people, but an uplifted fusion.

 But right now the realm of darkness is not interested in this. They
 are organized to block it. They seek to unbalance the Earth and its
 environment so we will be unready for the alignment in 2012.

 We need to work together for peace, and balance with the other side.
 We need to take care of the Earth that feeds and shelters us. We need
 to put our entire mind and heart into pursuing unity and fusion now,
 to confront the other side and preserve life. "To be Ready for this
 Moment in History Mr. Barrios told his audiences in Santa Fe that we
 are at a critical moment of world history. "We are disturbed," he
 said. "We can't play anymore. Our planet can be renewed or ravaged.
 Now is the time to awaken and take action.

 "Everyone is needed. You are not here for no reason. Everyone who is
 here now has an important purpose. This is a hard, but a special
 time. We have the opportunity for growth, but we must be ready for
 this moment in history."

 Mr. Barrios offered a number of suggestions to help people walk in
 balance through the years ahead. "The prophesied changes are going to
 happen," he said "but our attitude and actions determine how harsh or
 mild they are." "We need to act, to make changes, and to elect people
 to represent us who understand and who will take political action to
 respect the earth.

 "Meditation and spiritual practice are good, but also action. It's
 very important to be clear about who you are, and also about your
 relation to the Earth. Develop yourself according to your own
 tradition and the call of your heart. But remember to respect
 differences, and strive for unity. Eat wisely (Ormus rich food). A
 lot of food is corrupt in either subtle or gross ways. Pay attention
 to what you are taking into your body. Learn to preserve food, and to
 conserve energy. Learn some good breathing techniques, so you have
 mastery of your breath. Be clear. Follow a tradition with great
 roots. It is not important what tradition, your heart will tell you,
 but it must have great roots."

 "We live in a world of energy. An important task at this time is to
 learn to sense or see the energy of everyone and everything: people,
 plants, animals. This becomes increasingly important as we draw close
 to the World of the Fifth Sun, for it is associated with the element
 ether ˆ the realm where energy lives and weaves."

 Go to the sacred places of the earth to pray for peace, and have
 respect for the Earth, which gives us our food, clothing, and shelter.
 We need to reactivate the energy of these sacred places. That is our
 work."

 "One simple but effective prayer technique is to light a white or
 baby-blue colored candles. Think a moment in peace. Speak your
 intention to the flame and send the light of it on to the leaders who
 have the power to make war or peace."

 We Have Work to Do
According to Mr. Barrios this is a crucially
 important moment for humanity, and for earth. Each person is
 important. If you have incarnated into this era, you have spiritual
 work to do balancing the planet. He said the elders have opened the
 doors so that other races can come to the Mayan world to receive the
 tradition.

 The Maya have long appreciated and respected that there are other
 colors, other races, and other spiritual systems. "They know," he
 said, "that the destiny of the Mayan world is related to the destiny
 of the whole world."

 "The greatest wisdom is in simplicity," Mr. Barrios advised before
 leaving Santa Fe. "Love, respect, tolerance, sharing, gratitude,
 forgiveness. It's not complex or elaborate. The real knowledge is
 free. It's encoded in your DNA. All you need is within you."

 "Great teachers have said that from the beginning. Find your heart,
 and you will find your way."

Did i say i'd raid Topher from "Dollhouse"'s wardrobe?

Well, it's cute and all...........but it don't got nuthin' on those Flight of the Conchord boys! Especially adorably scruffy Brit (well, i suppose it's actually Bret, though you never know with that silly Kiwi accent).

It's a veritable hipster's dream: cowboy shirts, '70s jackets, sweatshirts with animals on the front, T-shirts with silly slogans and funky-fresh icons.

A Google search didn't return too many good pics, but this'll give you the idear:

Like i said, i'm all wet with covetousness.

Wonder what this artist had in mind! Interpretations, please!

Have you ever considered that all events are actually happening at the same time? That time isn't linear as we imagine it to be? That that's just the way our limited minds shape it so that it can be comprehended?

Well, here's proof! It's actually Christmas 2007, and Duke and i are visiting Heron Oaks, my parents' house on Hilton Head Island...

One day we drive into Beaufort, this cute little arts community the Shirl wants to show us. One of us has to poop, or maybe just pee, so we go into this labyrinthine scrapbooking store. Nearby, i hung out with this dude.

Up the road is a house that's actually an antique store. Duke plays bartender on the porch.

A house near the tree branch i climbed, clutching onto it for dear life, a hundred or so feet above a cliff that plunged down to the water. I had Duke take a picture of me out there, trembling......and he took a freaking closeup. You can't get any perspective of my accomplishment. It's not even worth sharing.

We stop off in this adorable town on what was once a large plantation. The creepy thing is that this entire town was manufactured; it was created to sell houses essentially. It's called Palmetto Dunes, or something like that, and all the homes have flickering gaslights on the porches, which of course makes the Shirl all wet. A teeny-tiny white chapel looked out at the bay. I gave a fire and brimstone sermon about sodomites.

Duke was so moved, he felt the rapture of the Holy Spirit. That, or he thought he was on a roller coaster.

In the town square, there are ruins of the old estate house, and some artist has set up this really cool bird's nest Indian house sculpture art installation that was fun to explore.

This fella was scurrying across one of the trellises at Heron Oaks. There are quite a few lizards round these here parts. In the Caribbean, they say lizards are good luck. They eat bugs, for one thing.

Duke and i take a walk along the beach, and practice using the timer on the camera. Just like R. Kelly, we "made it rain," only instead of dollar bills thrown at strippers in the champagne room, we threw up dried reeds.

Apparently, we're all about jumping on beaches.

A night bike ride past the horse stables.

And we bike into Harbor Town one day to wander by the lighthouse, watch pelicans on the dock and buy sweets at the candy store. We also play on the swings, natch.

We wish we could remember what crazy setting we had the camera on for these, 'cause they sure is fun!